her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
