i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize