Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
