you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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