you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
