I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
