It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Randomize