I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
