What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
