Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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