Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize