I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
