you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
