when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
