my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize