Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Did I show you my penis last night?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
