Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
