I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
