ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
