Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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