Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
