The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
