umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
