I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize