Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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