I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
