Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
