Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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