I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
my liver is dry heaving
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
