dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My vagina just recognized that song.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
