So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
