She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
