I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize