PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
ttyl tear gas
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
