Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
