Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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