I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Everyone says I win the strip club
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
