Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
please don't ironically join a cult
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