I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
