My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
