Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
