She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
even my farts smell like vagina
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
