I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
