the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
