I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
