Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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