idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
