Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
