i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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