her vagina looked like bernie madoff
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
