so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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