How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
