I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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