I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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