Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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