why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
