I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
