i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He shit in the fireplace
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
