I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
