Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
